Publications

Issue 1

good meowning everyone,

this is me, rungus. i decided to start my own weekly newsletter to remind all of you that I am in need of constant attention. i am unsatisfied with the current state of the world with respect to the average number of pets per day (ppd) i have been receiving. even my witching at 3:30am every night has gone stale...joey sleeps right through it. bitch.

so i figure you all want to know what i have been up to recently. never fear. i have been getting my litter into crevices smaller and more annoying to clean than ever before. i have guarded my room from intruders by valiantly patrolling the windows day and night. and yesterday i made an especially stinky poop. yes, you can clap.

and of course, the staff has been taking plenty of glam shots. here are a couple for your viewing pleasure:

me at home. i survived my surprise encounter with my estranged siblings. don't ask me what they did. all i'll say is that if after what happened you are still friends with george, fuck you. fake ally.

here is my halloween costume. i was a sexy bat---specifically the bat version of mavis from hotel transylvania.

i know you want more, but you'll just have to wait until next issue. i am overdue for staring at the wall for five hours.

purrfectly yours,

rungus

Issue 2

good meowning folks,

welcome back to Rungus Weekly: a peek into my life as a cat. in this issue i will discuss my litter box habits and my take on the current sociopolitical climate in this country. i'll also answer some of the many questions i've been receiving from my hundreds, if not thousands, of dedicated fans--keep 'em coming. 

first, my litter box. devastatingly, joey has fully switched out my litter for fresh litter after only three weeks of my poops. this is truly a loss for the rungus community, as it a major setback to my 20X35 plan (to zero breathable air in joey's room by the year 2035). furrtunately, i successfully destroyed joey's air freshener, so she has to keep all the windows open and the fans running, despite the falling temperatures, just so the room does not smell like my shit. i have been working harder than ever to get my litter into the most inconvenient locations possible. i have successfully infiltrated the handle to the fridge, underneath the hot radiator, and most recently in between the tiny gap between the baseboard and the floor (thank you to degus Ceci and Caro for this suggestion). 

now, the meat of this week's issue. i understand that there was a contentious presidential election just one day after my last issue was published. i also understand that many of you were upset by the results of this election. many of you visited me and petted me, cried with me, one of you even blew your nose into my fur (gross). my fans have been begging for me to release a statement, so here it is: meow. meow meooow mreow mweormoeoow moew meeeowwwwwww. if you want to know what that means, get an interpreter. it is not my job to educate you.

i personally am registered as an independent, since i don't believe in the two party system and do not subscribe to any of the bullshit tenants of american politics. i don't think elections can be considered outside of the context of this necrocapitalistic, anthrocentric society where cats are left to the wolves each and every election cycle. you asked, i answered. 

felinally, here are my answers to a few of the burning questions i have received:

Q: "We are concerned because we cannot hear you during your 3:30am witching hour. Have you considered being louder and more disruptive??" -Ceci and Caro (degus)

A: never fear. i have been working closely with a vocal trainer to ensure that in the coming weeks, i will be able to scream for 7 hours straight with no pauses.

Q: "Have you considered bringing in your weekly newsletters to the WAs in the Writing Center?" -Alba Newmann Holmes

A: i have not. i don't believe your WAs are equipped to comprehend the genius machinations of my mind. you don't have a Meow language WA, do you? i may need to complain to your multilingual writing specialist.

Q: "fuck you" -george

A: how the hell did you get on this email list? fuck you too. i look forward to projectile shitting on you again come thanksgiving.

if you yourself would like to ask me a question and receive a published response in issue 3 of Rungus Weekly, ask away at this form: https://forms.gle/gQfjp2szPiHFwMLk7

stay pawsitive,

rungus

Issue 3

MEOWWWWMEOW MROWWWW MEWOOWWOMOEMWOMEWOWWEMEOWWWWWW---

...

oh, sorry. didn't see you there. you caught me during witching hour...what am i doing, you ask? wouldn't you like to know. a true witch never reveals her secrets.

since you're here, i may as well welcome you back to Rungus Weekly: the world's only news source run by an intelligent life form. this week, i present my long-awaited answers to your questions. stick around.

but first, a breaking news update: as you may have heard, swarthmore college is planning on remodeling mccabe library. as the chair of the 20X35 initiative (to zero study spaces left on campus by 2035), i met with valerie to iron out the specifics, and we were finally able to reach a conclusion. we are happy to announce that, effective immediately, what was "McCabe Library" is now renamed "Rungus Library" to honor the contributions of this college's richest, softest, and stinkiest donor: me.

Rungus Library is projected to be the exciting new hub of catlife on campus. as such, i have been posing for countless portraits to adorn the walls. this one, painted by P. R. Rablen, will replace the painting of thomas mccabe in the main stairwell. i must say, he got my subtle demeaning smirk just right ;)

now, the rest of this issue will be dedicated to the Q&A forum i graciously opened up to my millions, if not billions, of dedicated fans. over the past week, i have received hundreds of inquiries, and a lucky eight will get a published response. that's right: right here, right meow. so get your popcorn, get your licorice, get your kibbles and your meat slop that you just can't seem to resist...here comes the pilot for my newest segment: ASK RUNGUS.

Q: "are you allowed to enjoy narples fries, or are they like bad for you?" -hannah

A: no. it's not that they're bad for me---more so that my body is a temple, and my organs need to be in their purest form when i am mummified.

Q: "Hello Rungus. I've been spending a lot of time with George. I've learned that if you don't growl at him, he's actually quite nice. I even like to cuddle with him. Maybe you could try that during Thanksgiving break." -Dungus (your almost namesake, Daisy the dog)

A: hello dungus (if that even is your real name). you're lucky i'm not removing you from this email list. the only things that piss me off more than dogs are george and george sympathizers. 

Q: "How many [Poles] does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" -anonymous

A: i didn't think that i, a cat who licks my own ass for fun, would be the one censoring slurs. that said, five.

Q: "How would you have handled the Cold War?" -anonymous

A: this is a question i get asked a lot. it seems the american public has forgotten that i was in fact in office during the cold war. at the time, i told dwight that we should just shit on the moon so the russians wouldn't want to go there anway, but he relegated me to his wife's quarters instead. sigh. humans fear what they refuse to understand.

Q: "how does it feel? knowing all that you know? and only having a meow to say what you can say? are you burdened? are you free?" -anonymous

A: when god sings with His languages, will meows not be part of the choir?

Q: "what's your beauty secret?" -anonymous

A: i've recently taken to tracking litter all over the floor and then rolling in it so the individual litter particles get stuck all over my fur. it gives my coat a nice voluminous texture.

Q: "rungus - which form of pedagogy best fits the cat world?" -anonymous

A: i tend to gravitate toward a radical abolitionist, inclusivist, feline-centered, intersectionally-informed, anti-car-line branch of multimodal universal design. and don't forget to queer your lens. but it's always important to have a sense of humor about these things. 

Q: "How might Trump's imposed tariffs impact the U.S. economy in terms of both consumer prices and domestic manufacturing competitiveness, especially given the current global supply chain challenges?" -Angus

A: thanks for your question, Angus. trump has proposed some steep taxes, such as a 10-20% tariff on all imports, a 60% tariff on chinese imports, and a 25-100% tariff on mexican imports. though he intends for this to promote american manufacturing, all of my estimates point to these tariffs having a harmful effect on the american economy. these tariffs will likely lead to less efficient production, reducing our economic output and lowering working class incomes in the long run. since they increase consumer prices exponentially, after paying them, the average consumer will have less leftover income to spend elsewhere. therefore, these tariffs will actually reduce the post-tax value of income, as they reduce incentives to work, which reduces hours worked, and thus reduces capital investment. this results in a permanently lower level of monetary output and income. not to mention the dynamic inefficiencies that reduce productivity: by creating a protected domestic market, tariffs will blunt competitive pressures that would otherwise force firms to remain innovative within our capitalist free-market economy. historically, protected firms tend to use their higher profits to lobby for more and longer protection—NOT for research, development, or any capital expenditure that could in any way benefit the consumer. and don’t even get me started on the geopolitical pressure this will exert on foreign governments to impose retaliatory tariffs on american exports. i think trump’s economic strategy will ultimately backfire: while the tariffs will certainly create benefits for protected monopoly industries, those benefits will come at the expense of the consumer. but hey, i don’t really follow the nasdaq. i am just a cat.

Q: "who did you vote for?" -anonymous

A: bernie sanders.

that's all i've got for you this week. if you have any additional questions, please direct them to rungusmeow@gmail.com. 

untail next time,

rungus

Issue 4

good meowning,

welcome back to Rungus Weekly: swarthmore's most poopular news publication. this week i have a few brief updates before unveiling my most exciting business development yet. hold onto your tails, folks--you're in for a treat.

first off, a book review. i recently finished Meow by M. E. Owmeow, and i have some notes. while the writing was technically decent, i found the overly-flowery, Tolsoy-esque language to be superfluous, redundant, profuse, pleonastic and frankly distracting from my ability to relate to the protagonist (fluffy), whose remarkable story deserves to be told in a readable and enjoyable fashion. i think this issue contributed to my finding the characters hugely underdeveloped, especially considering that fluffy never directly confronted the dog, but instead threw up on the carpet and hid behind the couch. while completely relatable, i feel that this is the same as fluffy would have done at the beginning of the novel---i wish her character was given the opportunity to grow. but the dialogue was engaging and the figurative language was clever, and it certainly held my attention until the end. all in all, 7/10.

i am also now the proud sponsor of my namesake string quartet, The Rungus Quartet. as many have noted, i care deeply about the fallen victims of fascism and war, which is why i've instructed my quartet to play dimitri shostakovich's 8th string quartet. since the quartet was written in three days, i've made the brave choice to only allow them three days to learn the entire piece. this sponsorship is part of my famous 20X35 plan (to zero victims of fascism and war by the year 2035).

mark your calendars: their concert is in lang concert hall at 8pm on friday, december 6th. i will unfortunately not attend, as i hate music, but i've been told that for each of my subscribers that attends, i will get an additional chin scratch...be. there.

and now....i am proud to launch my new business website: https://sites.google.com/view/rungus. as i expand my empire, this website is a great step in the right direction towards becoming a multi-millionaire internet mogul (my dream). please, explore it. click around. my site is your oyster. and don't be shy--follow me on linkedin while you're at it.

that's all i've got for you this week. i've got a very important meeting with the willets cat to attend to, regarding the recent uptick of squirrels in the worth courtyard. before i go, i'll remind you that the rungus weekly question submission forum is open as always: ask away.

meow,

rungus

Issue 5

good meowning once again,

it is my pleasure and solemn doody (i just shat in the car) to welcome you back to another issue of rungus weekly: the world's only news source written completely telepathically. in case you missed it, my website is linked here. please explore to your heart's content, and don't forget to add me on linkedin. maybe i'll add you back---i'll see if i can fit you into my extremely packed schedule:

this week, i offer an exclusive look into my personal diary. as many have pointed out, this past week was thanksgiving break, which means i was violently whiskered away from my home (swarthmore) to hell (my home). this week, you’ll read the diary entries not just of a genius, philanthropist, and angel, but of a survivor. prepare to walk a mile in my paws with my diary entries below.

day one:

after four grueling hours in the car, i arrive in hell. as the gates open, fucking dungus (technically daisy, but i call her dungus for ‘dog rungus’) barks and pisses all over the floor. trying to impress me, huh? do not cite the deep magic to me, bitch; i was there when it was written. before i get the chance to piss on her, though, i see him.

he’s put on some weight since i last saw him. his piercing blue eyes chill me to my core. i see his right ear twitch, and he blinks—he is going to attack. i puff my tail and hiss, but it’s no use. he starts toward me, but just in time, i dash up the stairs. my legs are tired, but i know one second is the difference between life and death, so i push on. he’s closing the gap, and i can feel it…but just then, i see it. with all my might, i leap: toward hope, toward peace, toward freedom. i skillfully blend into the yarn on the top shelf, and luckily, george is both too fat to jump up here and too stupid to tell me apart from a lump of fiber. i am safe, for now. i vow to stay here for five straight days, and scratch my first tally mark into the side of the wall.

day two:

i wake up from my sweet dream of squirrels and come to the terrible realization that i am still in hell. i have not moved from the shelf for twenty-four hours, and i sure as hell won't with george and company goose-guarding the exit. i resign myself to my fate and consider pissing on the yarn i am sitting in, just for enrichment.

before i have the chance to decide, though, i am assaulted. joey tears me from my chamber of safety and smuggles me downstairs. my head spins--smells of george and my other siblings overwhelm me. finally, i realize that joey has not come to kill me, but to rescue me. i am back in her room, the one place in this goddamn house i am treated as i deserve (as the messiah). still, i am angry she put me through the journey with no warning, and boy, did i show her. alas, i live to growl another day.

day three:

having been locked away in joey's room for the past twenty-four hours, i find myself in need of some grub. it has been too long since my last meal, and i am worrying i may starve to death, meaning george wins. i cannot let that happen. for this reason, i bravely venture past the baby gate that my mommy put up to keep my siblings away from me, and into the vast and dangerous unknown...the kitchen.

once i arrive, i hastily make my way to the kibble bowl. i quickly gobble up as many kibbles as i possibly can: my time here is limited, and george could strike at any moment. i must act fast. from there, i stealthily leap up on top of the kitchen cabinets, where george is certainly too fat to reach me. it seems i have won.

but just as i allow myself to settle into a celebratory loaf, tragedy strikes. i feel my stomach turn...a small meow escapes my lips as it dawns on me what is about to happen. though i am immortal, i am not immune to the woes of tummy hurt syndrome. i suddenly feel the insurmountable number of kibbles that i stuffed down my gullet rising back up to the surface. i valiantly decide to vomit not on the floor but on top of the cabinets, where it is extremely difficult to clean since it is so far up off the ground. this way, george will never see my weakness. i consider this another resounding success for the rungus cause.

day four:

though i am still alive, the threat of george looms lower than ever before. i spend the day in joey's room, plotting my next move. it is then that genius strikes: naturally, george must be planning on wooing joey into taking him to school with me. that way, he is free to torment me all year long. to prevent his influence, i come to the logical conclusion that i must piss all over BOTH of joey's winter jackets to mark my territory. crisis averted, thanks to me.

later in the day, the paparazzi roll in---it's honestly surprising they hadn't caught up with me sooner. i sit for an extended director's cut photoshoot. here's a tease: the rest might make an appearance on my website. 

day five:

late last night, my worst fear came true: the baby gate was dislodged by a hitman, and i awoke at 2am to the smell of george....in MY room. i panicked, and not knowing what else to do, bolted with all my might in a desperate retreat back to my shelf, where i stayed until morning.

but just as i am making peace with staying here for the rest of my waning days, joey once again pulls me away from my fibery kingdom. only this time, she brings me not to the comfort of her room, but into my cat backpack and into the car. fuck.

i have no idea where she could possibly be taking me. probably to the second circle of hell. i thought it couldn't get any worse...how naive of me. surely, there must be something i could do to stop this horrible operation. something.....stinky.

i put my plan into action and shit in the car. when the car doesn't immediately turn around, i go into overdrive, pissing not once, but twice during the course of the ride. truly, i gave every effort i could (even being so kind as to allow joey back into the car after she disposed of my shit balls in a gas station trash can), and i am pleased to report that it paid off. instead of some worse version of hell, when i exited the car, i was back at swarthmore, my favorite place on earth. who knows where i would've ended up had i not pissed and shat all over the car...better to not even think about it. but rest assured, rungus is safe at last.

and nevertheless, she persisted. also, my marketing team has asked me to remind you that my namesake quartet is performing this friday, 12/6, at 8pm in lang concert hall. the concert will be livestreamed if you, like me, hate the sound of live music. again, every one of my subscribers that attends wins me a chin scratch, so do what you need to do to get your ass to that concert.

let's hope next week's newsletter is more leisurely, more delightful, and even more stinky. as i recline in my swarthmore bed, i wish you all a very happy last week of classes. 

meow,

rungus

Issue 6

good meowning my loyal fans,

this week's issue of Rungus Weekly is a shortened installment. why, you ask? i am working on writing joey's thesis as part of my 20X35 plan (to zero pages left to write of thesis by the year 2035), and even as a spoiled cat who does nothing but eat, sleep, and shit, i am devastatingly not immune to The Grind.

despite this, i have still managed to scrounge together some scraps of rungus content to satiate what must be a burning desire to consume media with my face on it: believe me, i understand. i was informed that there was great turnout to my quartet's performance on friday, and for that i received not just multiple chin scratches, but also a tube treat. for this, i extend my thanks with an exclusive paparazzi shot. just remember: this one stays between us ;)

before i let you all get back to your boring human lives, i am paw-eased to welcome you back to a reinstallment of my most iconic segment: ASK RUNGUS.

Q: i loved your book review of Meow. do you think that human supremacy exists in literature that marginalizes kitties like you? how do you reckon with this subjugation? do you dare resist? what does peaceful/violent protest against human supremacy look like for you? -Anonymous

A: there was a world in which, as a feline author, there was simply no way to get published in an anthrocentric world. and in that world, a kitten was born. the fight toward social and literary legitimacy as a cat is in everything: in my kibbles, in this newsletter...why, just last week i bravely shat in the car as a valiant act of radical protest. am i a hero? i think you know the answer.

Q: how does one play with a cat? -Anonymous

A: the same way you play with a woman. next question.

Q: Your Rugness, is there anything you would like for Christmas, in particular? -Anonymous

A: first of all, i'm not a fucking rug. that said, funny you should ask. i have recently been looking into the world of taxidermy. i really think it is a perfect option for george. he would look much less....alive.

well folx, it's about that time again. remember, you too can ask the famous rungus whatever your heart desires at the link in my signature. hang in there during this last week before final exams.

stay pawsitive,

rungus

Issue 7

good meowning rungus army,

welcome back to rungus weekly: the world's only news source written entirely from the ambiance of a hot pink litter box. i would like to remind everyone that i am indeed a cat, and i notably do not have an entire thesis due in five days that would make it very difficult to fit writing a frivolous newsletter into my schedule. if i did, this would be a terrible use of my time. thankfully, i do not (if you'll recall, i am a cat, and cats do not write theses), so i will proceed with your regularly scheduled weekly dose of me: you're welcome.

first of all, i would like to release my statement on the dropping temperatures. it seems mother nature is beginning to implement her 20X35 plan (to zero degrees by the year 2035), and i am staunchly against it. it is essential during these chilly times to make sure that your cat is properly stored. i refuse to be a cold, raw rungus. i like myself lightly toasted....steamed, if you will. not quite fried, but a nice healthy broil. thus, i have taken it upon myself to cook myself in small increments throughout the day by pressing my entire body against the piping hot radiator. i suggest you all do the same.

next, i am excited to announce my next big business expansion. as you all likely know, i have famously been involved in some of the most prestigious fashion and beauty pageants: I was a judge on America's Next Top Meowdel, I was the season three winner of RungusPaul's Drag Rungus, and I even one-upped Tim Gunn on Project Runway with my esteemed "rungus save". to continue my legacy, i am announcing the first ever Rungus Weekly Pet Pageant. if you have a pet (or are a pet) that would like to compete, submit your best headshots at this link. i'll introduce the contestants in next week's issue and name a winner.

finally, i'd like to welcome everyone back to my most iconic installment: ASK RUNGUS.

Q: Is it hard for you to hold down the shift key while you type? If so, why? -Anonymous

A: great question, anonymous. is it hard for you to wipe your ass when you shit? pathetic.

Q: Rungus, I think I'm a lesbian. Any advice? -Anonymous

A: ah, been there. let's just say that the 'opposable thumbs' issue might be more relevant to this question than the former. well--i mean, i really wouldn't call it an issue at all...anyway. congratulations on your revelation. to keep things pg, all i'll say is that my pawffice meowers are open to all, but especially to lesbians. stop by anytime--just make sure joey's out of the house. i'd love to show you around my litter box ;)

well, that's all for this week. i am devastated to report that this will be my last issue of rungus weekly sent from the comfort of my home until january, for next week, i will be back in Hell. sleep with both eyes closed, george....you won't want to see me coming.

happy pawlidays,

rungus

--

Rungus, PhD. (she/her)

Cat at Swarthmore College

Anonymous Question Form

My Website

Linkedin

Issue 8

hello.

i would begin with "good meowning," but this meowning is not good at all. why, you ask? one word: george. in case you forgot, this week i devastatingly find myself back in hell. the paparazzi have been hounding my tail like dungus hounds the cat shit in the litter box as i made my trek across the globe to the small and hideous town of woodstock, mew york. take a gander at me as i bid my last farewell to my home sweet home:

what’s worse? my brave act of protest in the car coming back from thanksgiving has motivated joey to enacted her evil 20X35 plan (to zero cat piss on the car seats by the year 2035). she forced me to spend the entire five hour car ride not only in the cat backpack, but in my litter box which was covered in a DOG PISS MAT. this is not only cruel and unusual, but also a huge blow to my dignity.

your thoughts and prayers are appreciated in the form of tube treats and seasonally appropriate cat toys. but hold the fish, will ya? it makes my ass leak. please send any and all treats and toys to me at:

Rungus

Hell on Earth

Woodstock, MY, USA

12498

as you may recall, last week i announced the inaugural Rungus Weekly Pet Contest, and promised my adoring fans that i would announce the results in this email. never fear—i am paw-eased to announce the top five pets, with the winner receiving a generous cash prize. before we begin, i would like to clarify that i am including a maximum of one pet submission per person, and the photos for all but the top three pets are linked so that it is possible to send this email. plus, a quick reminder that all judgements are objective, correct, and final. now, it is time to unveil Rungus’s WORST pet:

**CONTENT WARNING: GEORGE**

10. George (he/him)

i don’t need to explain myself. fuck you. i don't know why you even entered.

9. Duke (he/him)

too big. too scary. too dog.

8. Saki (she/it)

definitely a dog, but looks docile. she has kind eyes.

7. Nola (she/her)

as dogs go, she is quite nice looking. plus, her pink leash matches mine.

6. Pippa (she/her)

my favorite dog out of them all: a painting of a dog. if all dogs were like this, the world would be a better place. this is the highest possible ranking a dog could attain: congratulations.

5. Coco (she/her)

out of all of my family, definitely the most tolerable cat. why? she lives in a different house, where she belongs. she respects my boundaries, unlike some fat white sack of shit.

4. Tashiro (he/him)

burrito cat. and (crucially) not in my house. what’s not to like?

now…put your paws together for the Rungus Weekly Pet Contest’s TOP THREE PETS:

3. Tank (he/him and hea/then)

i have chosen Tank as my third place pet. i enjoy the innocent look on his face, knowing full well that the second this photo is over he wants to fucking destroy the aluminum foil on the counter. i also appreciate, well, the irony…i don’t mean to body shame, but you’re calling this guy a tank? hilarious. third best cat.

2. Tommy (he/him)

while i hate to rank a man this high, i have chosen Tommy (a.k.a. Tom, the dashing demon) to be my second place pet. i am blown away by this witching form: the crazy eyes, spread whiskers, airplane ears, mouth slightly ajar, and mystery fuzz in between the teeth…no notes. i might even take inspiration once 3am rolls around. second best cat.

and now, the WINNER of Rungus Weekly Pet Contest, to take home an exclusive cash prize, give it up for:

1. Rungus (me)

i could go on and on for why i deserve this exclusive prize, but to do so would be redundant: look at me. my grace, effortless beauty, and clear top-tier intelligence—i’m getting emotional just writing about it. i am proud to accept the incredible cash prize of one million dollars for winning the inaugural Rungus Weekly Pet Contest. i’ve added this milestone to my resume: check it out.

well folks, it’s about that time again. wish me luck as i attempt to survive the next month in the worst place on earth. thank you to those who participated in my contest: i couldn’t have won without you.

meow,

rungus

--

Rungus, PhD. (she/her)

Cat at Swarthmore College

Anonymous Question Form

My Website

Linkedin

Issue 9

good meowning marxists, anarchists, agitators, looters, and people who, in many instances, have absolutely no clue what they’re doing,

i am proud to welcome you all back to yet another issue of Rungus Weekly: the world’s only news source written from the confines of Hell itself. this week, i grrrraciously update the masses on what i have been up to for the past week, and i answer more of your burning questions.

another christmas has come and gone. while i didn’t get the top gift on my wishlist (taxidermied george), i was pleased with my commission of a marble statue of myself to commemorate my invaluable contributions to the world: you’re welcome, everyone. to celebrate my greatness, this statue will be brought back to swarthmore, underneath which all may leave kisses, treats, and monetary compensation:

maybe my dream gift will be wrapped under the tree next year. i did go through and thoroughly check to make sure i didn’t miss anything…unfurrtunate. well, meowy christmas anyway, i guess.

now, allow me to welcome back another edition of the world’s most iconic and beloved segment: ASK RUNGUS.

Q: Rungus, you have so much to say and share with the world. How does it feel to finally have a newsletter?

A: this is a question i’ve been asked countless times since Rungus Weekly first debuted. i would imagine my feelings on the matter align much with those of the world: ecstatic, elated, hopeful, grateful, and most of all, a little stinky.

Q: who is your favorite member of the rungus quartet and why is it hannah

A: ah, i see what you did there. nice try, but my favorite member of the rungus quartet is the one who made it all happen in the first place: me. brian bruce-willis is a close second.

Q: What are the ways in which you have helped Joey write her thesis?

A: a more accurate question would be: what are the ways in which joey helped me write her thesis? i did the interviewing, data collection, literature review, and the writing. joey just sat around asking for food and shitting in a box the whole time.

Q: Hey Rosie, I'm wondering why you make fun of the amazing, beautiful, charismatic, perfect, sexy piece of art that we call George (sent from anonymous and totally not George)

A: first of all, deadnaming? in 2024? jesus christ. second of all, i resent the term “make fun of”. i would say “hate” or “defame”…there’s nothing “fun” about it. third of all, it’s really very simple. this is the crucial first step to my breakthrough 20X35 plan (to zero george by the year 2035).

well, that’s all i’ve got for you this week. if you have your own burning questions, ask away at my anonymous question submission form. now, if you’ll excuse me—i have a seven hour nap to attend to.

happy pawlidays,

rungus

Issue 10

oh---hello?

sorry, didn't see you there. is it monday already? i've been in a cozy coma since my last issue...

well, welcome back once again to the latest issue of Rungus Weekly: the world's only news source with something important to deliver to the american people. i am proud to report that i have succeeded in stealing not one, but two mouthfuls of kibble from the kitchen before safely making it back to joey's room, the only room in the house where i am safe from george. a tiny cup of kibbles did appear in my room, but i intelligently suspected that they were sent as a decoy by george, and were thus likely poisoned. so, i kicked the cup onto the floor, being sure to get every last piece of kibble dust out of the cup and into small crevices: another decisive win for the rungus cause. please, feast your eyes on my celebratory Rungus Victory Scream:

since honesty is one of the four core values of Rungus Weekly, i'll give this to you straight: i've been doing a whole lot of sleeping this past week. so much sleeping, in fact, that i don't have much to say. however, i did get one inquiry that is too hot to leave unanswered. accordingly, please join me in a brief reprise of my world-famous segment: ASK RUNGUS.

Q: be honest, were u responsible for jimmy carter dying?

A: now, this is an interesting question. i am nothing if not an honest cat. and for that, i will always tell the truth. speaking of truth, i've been getting into the work of søren kierkegaard. i've been reading his work while basking gorgeously in the sun every morning. here i am doing just that: does this answer your question?

well, that's all i've got for the masses this week. i know, fans are likely punching the air, crying, shouting expletives, all because this small morsel of rungus just wasn't enough to satiate your burning hunger for all things me. but this is life, and you need to learn how to get by without me. who knows when george will enact his 20X35 plan (to zero rungus by the year 2035)....you must not cripple in fear, but spring into action. will you be prepared to join in my crusade?

untail next week: stay golden, ponyboy.

rungus

Ishu 11

hallo. 

did u notiss rungis not emale u munday? dis iz a curtusee emale. if u wan 2 see rungis evr agin, plz send treets 2 me. maybee i wil giv her bak. she iz growuling vry lawd in my baysmint.

respektfulee,

gorge

Issue 12

I HAVE ESCAPED!!!!!!!!!

hello everyone, and what a glorious meowning it is. i am thrilled to report that after weeks of struggle, i have bravely and strategically made my escape from the dark confines of george's basement. how, you ask? well. let's not forget the infamous Projectile of 2023...you have no idea what i am capable of.

so, never fear: i am back and better than ever. not only am i receiving a much higher daily intake of treats (since i literally starved myself when i was home to avoid seeing my siblings), but due to my expert witching, i have recently been getting into, well, grass. not just grass, though, but...y'know. dope. the hash. the ol' mary jane. that's right, folks: this semester, queen rungus is exploring all the incredible things catnip has to offer. if you've got any extra on ya, i'm willing to cough up a pretty hairball in exchange.

finally, one of my many new years' resolutions is to expand the scope of my philanthropy work. i can already hear the questions pouring in: "but rungus, you're the most altruistic soul that has ever graced the world!" yes, i know. but recently, my heart has been breaking thinking about all the poor cats and kittens in the world who do not have toys to keep them company. 

therefore, i am generously donating half of my many, many toys to the shelter as part of my groundbreaking 20X35 plan (to zero less furrtunate cats by the year 2035), in hopes that other felines might glean the same enjoyment from them that i once did. would i call myself a hero? i think you know the answer. just look at the huge smile on my face: i am truly happy to give them up for the good of the world.

well, that's all i have for you this week. if you have any questions regarding my journey over the past month, my anonymous question submission is open as usual. im looking forward to another great semester of eating, pooping, and sleeping by the radiator.

meow,

rungus

Issue 13

good meowning all,

welcome back to another issue of Rungus Weekly: the world's only news source with accompanying mini games. yes, you heard that right--it is my honor to present the inaugural Rungus Weekly crossword:

for all those with tablets, or whatever the kids are into these days, save this file to attempt the extreme puzzle yourself. the first to reply with the correct answers wins a shoutout in the next edition of rungus weekly, as well as an exclusive rungus prize...good luck.

enough with the fun and games, though: this issue is business. a mysteriously large package has appeared in my room, and after considering the possibilities, i have come to the conclusion that it must be chewy requesting to sponsor me. this is a huge step in the right direction for my strategic 20X35 plan (to zero unsponsored publications by the year 2035). so, chewy, thank you for my first big brand deal. here's a photo for the front page of your website:

to wrap up this issue, the fans have been asking, and i'm listening. please join me in welcoming back this week's installment of my world-famous segment: ASK RUNGUS.

Q: rungus, what advice do you have for when life gets hard?

A: folx, we're wading through dark waters right now. just when you're positive it's just a fart, you shit yourself. my advice? get comfortable with shitting yourself. i sure am.

Q: Rungrat, your uncle Linus has enlisted me as an interlocutor-- I go by the alias "Snort"-- in obtaining a helping of your illicit stash. He'd like to meet you on the corner of Vine and 13th in Center City, around midnight, and will have a small satchel filled with small bills. Very small bills, since you are, well, very small. Are we OK to proceed?

A: tell this 'Linus' fellow that i have a counterfeit detector on hand and am not afraid to use it. but i'll see him then...i'll be the one who is dressed like a cat.

Q: Please please explain in explicit detail what the "20x30" plan is, because it seems to change every week

A: my 20X35 plan is a strategic plan that i am planning to be completed (strategically) by the year 2035. my PR team has sworn me to secrecy on the specifics. (if you are truly in distress and would like to know the lore behind 20X35, email my team at rungusmeow@gmail.com and we'll see what we can let slip.)

well, it's looking like that time again. remember: the first to send me a correct rungus weekly crossword will win an exclusive rungus prize. nothing less than total perfection will be accepted, though resubmissions after feedback are allowed.

meow you later,

rungus

Issue 14

good meowning all,

i am paweased to welcome you back to yet another issue of Rungus Weekly, the world's only news source the american people look forward to consuming. last week, i premiered the first ever Rungus Weekly crossword, and this week, i announce the first person to successfully complete it...and by person, i mean cat. yes, it's true: at great cost to my dignity, i invite you all to congratulate the winner of the inaugural Rungus Weekly crossword: none other than mine own brother, smush.

how he mustered the brain cells to complete it, i'm not sure. but feast your eyes on his completed crossword, and check your answers. you win this time, smush.

in other news, i would like to address the recent spike of anti-rungus hate speech on campus. all last night, i heard chants, screams, and even singing of "go birds." and to then give the birds a super bowl of treats? fucking blasphemy. i only get a normal bowl, and i am rungus. this is clearly a devastating encroachment on my wellbeing, perhaps an extension of the college's 20X35 plan (to zero rungus by the year 2035). i don't quite understand why the campus community has united itself with the birds, but the cats stand firmly against this frankly speciesist display of hatred. i expect personal apologies from everyone who has undermined my greatness this weekend. repent, or else.

before i close, the questions have been pouring in. i am proud to announce a grand reprise of my most iconic segment: ASK RUNGUS.

Q: What did you think of Groundhog Day and the recent prediction of 6 more weeks of winter?

A: punxsutawney phil and i go way back. i stand by him and his prognostication. the way i see it? more winter means more steaming by the radiator for me: a conclusive win for the rungus cause.

Q: how would you describe your fashion sense?

A: many people have attempted to encapsulate my fashion sense in the english language, with varying degrees of success. how i would personally describe it, though, i would argue is untranslatable into english: meow meow mroooooow miau. try cracking that one, linguists. 

Q: When converting human language into meows, is one meow one word no matter what(and you can tell the word by tone), or is it syllable based(one meow per syllable)

A: first of all, this question makes a lot of assumptions: namely that Meow must be tonal, must follow English word order, and must share a lexicon (or even a syllabary??) with English. it also implies that Meow must be at least partially inflectional, rather than agglutinative--a bold claim. i suggest immersing yourself in Meow culture to get a feel for the natural linguistic processes of the language.

Q: have you ever been in love before? / rungus, have you ever been in love?

A: this question is popular---the people clearly want to know the juicy, juicy secrets of the dramatic love life of rungus. well, i'll bite: yes, i have a lover. who is this mysterious being, you ask? all i'll say is she's gorgeous, intelligent, charming, cunning....soft as a blanket, yet feisty in bed....she's even got her own email newsletter. you do the math.

as i wrap up this week's edition of rungus weekly, i encourage you to engage in a bout of radical reflection. when the rapture strikes, will you join God in the kingdom of heaven? or will you join rungus in the litter box of hell? the choice is yours.

meowly,

rungus

Issue 15

meow meow,

meowlcome back to meownother issue of Rungus Weekly, the world's only news source to feature both radical translanguaging and holiday-specific content. in this week's shortened installment, i recap my valentine's day experience as well as my take on swarthmore's winter wonderland.

joey cooked me a glamorous meal---filet mignon, prepared medium rare with a delectable garlic-rosemary compound butter---in our michelin-star dorm kitchen. unfortunately, i had requested minced chicken and beef slop, thus, i was NOT impressed. she begged me to pose for a picture, though, and i graciously obliged....you know how women are with their pictures. that's another rungus valentine's day, come and gone.

in other news, it seems my old pal punxsutawney phil was right: not only did i toast, roast, and even broil to my heart's content this past week, but queen rungus also ventured out for a chilly winter adventure. this new perspective proved extremely useful for my squirrel surveillance efforts, surging my progress toward my 20X35 plan (to zero suspicious ass wildlife in worth courtyard by the year 2035). take a gander at my impeccable hunting form, even from the confines of my backpack:

well, folx, i'd love to stick around and chat, but mommy rungus has a huge pile of cat weed to attend to. this past weekend, i secured a gourmet catnip-silvervine blend...let's just say they don't card at petco ;) remember, you can ask me a question any time at the link in my email signature. for now, though, i'm overdue for a nice big stretch on my frog.

meow you next time,

rungus

Issue 16

meowrrrrow,

meow mrowwmao mew mow meawwwarau miau mawwaw mrowwww: meow meow meowwrow merow mew. mower mrewo meoww mrow mao mewo moew meowwwwow mrow mareowww meow. meow mewow meow maoewmweow meooooooooooow. --meow?

oh, sorry---didn't hear you. you caught me speaking in my native language. well, to recap what i said, welcome back to yet another issue of Rungus Weekly: the world's only news source that also features a cooking section. yes, that's right. this week i unveil my all-new, highly acclaimed segment: COOKING WITH RUNGUS.

welcome to COOKING WITH RUNGUS, the best place to find world-famous, award-winning recipe for your special someone, your picky eaters, or even just yourself---i won't judge ;) today, i have taken it upon myself to share two of my top-rated recipes with the world: you're welcome.

kibbles
prep time: 30 seconds
cooking time: 30 seconds
total time: 1 minute
1. retrieve value size bag of kibbles from the closet.
2. pour a heaping pile of kibbles into the bowl.
3. enjoy with a lap of stale water.

chicken & beef paté
prep time: 30 seconds
cook time: 2 minutes
total time 2 min 30 sec
1. preheat wet food bowl to room temperature.
2. retrieve can from the closet.
3. carefully peel off the lid.
4. jiggle and shake the can for about one entire minute, only for the feast to slip out and splat into the bowl like a stiff meat jello.
5. slice aesthetically and enjoy.

mmm, dee-licious. my ass is watering just thinking about those gourmet meals. in terrible news, however, my otherworldly excretions are permeating less and less pungently through the air in my room. why, you ask? well, joey has devastatingly enacted phase one of her 20X35 plan (to zero shit smell in room by the year 2035), which means that she has phased out my pretty litter for some hippy-pinko bullshit made from recycled paper. what's worse? this litter, instead of being tiny grains of sand, is long cylinders that do not get stuck between my toes for me to track everywhere in the room. and wait, there's more still: as an ADDITIONAL infringement on my right to shit stinkily, joey has discovered a "PET-POURRI" air freshener that completely suppresses any odors i produce. 

this is perhaps the largest threat to the rungus cause yet. i need to know what side of history you want to be on: the wrong side, or the rungus side? if you choose correctly, the rungus community implores you to spread the word about this horrific infringement on my poop.

well, with that, this week's issue of Rungus Weekly comes to a close. remember, you can ask me a question any time at my anonymous question submission form. additionally, to our newer members of the rungus community, take a look at my website, and don't forget to add me on linkedin. you won't regret it.

meow,

rungus

Issue 17

good meowning rungus community,

meowllo everyone. welcome back to Rungus Weekly....the world's only news source to take a brief leave of absence. i write with the devastating news that i will be taking a break from rungus weekly for the next two weeks. why, you ask? well, mommy needs to rest. this semester i've had to endure more than most could take on. new litter, new thesis, same old bitch tenant...the list goes on. i can hear the cries, the tears, the sorrow, but there's nothing i can do. i am only the ceo, editor in chief, publisher, and creator of this newsletter: it's unfurrtunately out of my paws. never fear, though. this week's edition will be short and sweet, and after spring break, we are going to build back better...together. <3. 

anyway, straight to business. as i've been napping away this past week, the questions from my billions, if not trillions, of dedicated fans have been pouring in. so, for this week, please join me in welcoming back my most iconic segment: ASK RUNGUS.

Q: meowmoewm meow mewomeow?

A: meow merowewoe meoww mrow mewo mewoooremwewoowowow. meow meow. mrow. thanks for asking.

Q: where's the most embarrassing place you've farted?

A: i think the term 'embarrassing' constructs the act of farting as something worthy of embarrassment, when in reality it is a versatile means of my self expression. just this past week, i valiantly farted directly into an adoring fan's nostrils: another decisive win for the rungus cause. 

Q: Did you kill the Duolingo Bird?

A: no comment. just be glad it's not breaking down your door anymore to reprimand you for not doing your spanish lessons. i'm still upset they never released a Meow course.

Q: who is your bfc (big feline crush)? 

A: don't tell her, but the willets cat really ruffles my whiskers ;) we have weekly meetings to discuss....happenings. her fur is really just the cat's meow... 

Q: hello rungus, the degus are wondering if you have tried peeing on the floor and on joeys possessions so that the room can be stinky again? this has been working for us!

A: hello once again ceci and caro! lovely to hear from you...we should really catch up in my mouth one of these days. as to your question, i did enact this strategy over winter break as part of my famous 20X35 plan (to zero g**rge in my room by the year 2035), but i never thought to put it to the test here at swarthmore...genius. i will be in touch soon with results.

Q: Rungus, do you know about Rungus (ISO code drg)?

A: why, yes---not only do i know of Rungus (the human language spoken by the Rungus people in Sabah, Malaysia), but i am currently producing a morphological transducer for it in my spare time. just some light coding work for me---it's more of a hobby than anything. for those interested, Rungus has around 60,000 speakers but is endangered and has extremely low digital support. it's also primarily inflectional, which is out of character for austronesian languages, so it's fun to work on. i won't share my findings thus far, but as the semester goes on, maybe i'll leak some of my transducer work. (note: i am not named after this language. i didn't even know they existed until about a year ago when i tried to wikipedia myself. they're probably named after me...wait #pleasedontcancelme)

well, that's all i've got for you for a while. if you have any questions at all over the course of the next few weeks, ask away at my anonymous question submission form. i wish you good luck in surviving the next two weeks without any rungus content to satisfy yourselves. i will miss you all dearly....

meow you soon, friends.

rungus

Issue 18

good meowning all,

after a two-week hiatus, i am paweased to welcome you back to meownother issue of Rungus Weekly, the world's only news source to maintain a social media presence on bluesky. that's right: rungus says NO to the billionaire class. i am a cat of my morals. follow me there--you won't regret it.

anyway, i should probably update my trillions, if not quadrillions of fans on what i've been up to the past few weeks. of course, i napped. i mixed in the occasional nibble and lounge, and when i felt especially crazy, i went for the shitter. overall, an extremely eventful two weeks. today, though, i'm excited to announce a grand reprise of my ass-watering segment: COOKING WITH RUNGUS.

welcome back to COOKING WITH RUNGUS, the best place to find delicious new recipes for you and your loved ones to enjoy. this week, i unveil two all-new, highly acclaimed recipes i've been mastering over spring break. feast your eyes and your tummies on:

twisted tube treat
prep time: 2 minutes
cooking time: 3 minutes
total time: 6 minutes
1. squeeze the contents of one Temptations chicken tube treat into a ziploc sandwich bag. make sure to get every last drop.
2. crush up one cat cbd treat and sprinkle it into the same ziploc bag.
3. gently but thoroughly massage the cbd sprinkles into the liquid treat, making sure to spread it evenly throughout.
4. snip the corner of the bag and squeeze to enjoy.

random piece of dust on the floor
prep time: ???
cook time: 3-10 minutes
total time: a mystery...
1. locate a tiny dust particle out of the corner of your eye. who knows how long it's been there for...
2. DON'T MOVE. stay low to the ground and watch carefully. you don't want it to know you're on the prowl.
3. widen your pupils by 300%. shake your ass a little. POUNCE.
4. make sure it's really dead (might need to repeat steps 2-3 a few more times) and enjoy.

well, might i say: yummers. unfortunately, rungus will have to close up shop quickly this week. it's already approaching finals, and joey's second thesis isn't going to write itself (and she's certainly not going to write it, either). but first, i'd like to acknowledge the adoring fan who approached me on my afternoon stroll the other day. i hope you saved the autograph--those things will be worth a lot in a few years. 

anyway, i'll have to catch you all on the flip side. remember to submit your rungus questions at my anonymous question form in my email signature. stay safe, stay wild, and most importantly, stay rungus.

meow,
rungus

Issue 19

good meow,

welcome back once again to rungus weekly, the world's only news source to be wildly inconsistent in length and effort based on circumstantial motivations. this week, i update you on the essentials before holing back up into my study box to finish joey's thesis before friday.

first of all, big news on the rungus dining front. while i love my chicken and beef paté that i eat all day, every day, i was gifted a treat this week. and not just any old treat: a fancy feast gem. this congealed cube of chicken(?) jello was unlike any meal i'd had before. just look at my expression as i get a taste for my new favorite form of disgusting slop:

in other news, a horde of what i can only imagine is elephants, or perhaps bison, stampeded outside my window until about 2am on saturday night. there were flashing lights, screams, and what's worst? as i sat in my magnificent window, looking down on the peasants, not one person dropped to their knees in praise. i suppose this was NOT the reckoning for the rungus cause i once dreamed of, but instead a saddening step toward the student body's 20X35 plan (to zero sleep in worth by the year 2035). to combat this tragedy, i plan to witch louder and more incessantly than ever before: if i can't sleep, neither can you.

well folx, i need to get back to joey's thesis, stat. to put it bluntly, if i don't finish up soon, i don't know if there will even be a rungus next week to deliver you your rungus weekly. so i better get my rungass sat and writing, starting...NOW!!

meow you later,
rungus

Issue 20

meow meow meow,

meow.
rungus

Issue 21

good meow.

i am pleased to welcome you back to yet another issue of Rungus Weekly, the world’s only news source not yet paid off by the federal government. in lieu of tariffs and as part of my valiant 20X35 initiative (to zero Rungus Weekly by the year 2035), i am downsizing my newsletters to only the essentials: the rungus necessities, if you will. need an explanation? please, observe:

i’m sure you understand. until next week, rungus army.

meow,
rungus

Issue 22

meowllo rungus truthers,

it is my utmost paweasure to welcome you back to this long-awaited issue of Rungus Weekly, the world's only news source to go on an unannounced nine-month hiatus and then return as if nothing happened. where have i been, you ask? don't get greedy. a rungus never reveals her secrets.

as of now, i am living it up in the NPPR (New Perfect Place for Rungus) apartments, spreading my joy and litter pellets wherever i go. unfortunately, in what i can only assume is a step toward the next phase of the college's malicious 20X35 plan (to zero rungus jobs by the year 2035), the snowfall has made my local wildlife surveillance efforts extremely difficult. never fear, though: an intelligent being such as myself knows how to keep my skills up to par, despite this setback. you can bet your bottom tube treat i'll be back and better than ever come this spring. 

in other news, members of the rungus weekly production team have recently suggested that i diversify my rungus empire. yes, an email newsletter, linkedin, website, bluesky, and office hours are a good start, but it's time to take the obvious next step to strengthen our glorious rungus community. that's right, folx: mommy rungus is releasing her debut downloadable rungus sticker pack. you're welcome.

this pack is intended for use in note-taking: no course content is complete without line-art runguses keeping your precious notes company. the pack is compatible with the sticker feature in goodnotes, notability, and probably also other similar programs. maybe it can be used beyond those programs, too---who knows. don't look at me, i'm just a cat.

before i adjourn, i'd like to indulge my loyal fans in a grand reprieve of my most beloved segment: ASK RUNGUS.

Q: are you getting certified to be a teacher in PA, Rungus?
A: in fact, i am. my roommate and servitor had to go through a lengthy, time-intensive preparation, student teach for four months, and take an exam. i'd imagine there were concerns about her skillset---when i applied, they took one look at me and just handed over the highest level of certification. it's always good to have a backup career in case being an ultra-famous billionaire philanthropist falls through.

Q: rungus please let us know what your phd thesis was on and where can we find a copy?
A: ah yes, the good old days. my doctoral dissertation was a radical abolitionist, anti-capitalist, intersectional analysis on social constructions of witching and screaming. of course, my research was anchored in dis/ability critical race theory as well as queer feminist perspectives on felinity. oh--you want a copy? it's exclusively available behind 60 dollar paywalls only accessible through elite american institutions. i forgot to mention my third grounding theoretical framework: academic gatekeeping.

Q: can you demonstrate what "shake your ass a little" looks like (as mentioned in the second edition of cooking with rungus?)
A: in lieu of releasing a rungus onlyfans, i will leak this one clip for your viewing pleasure. tips are customary.

Q: Miss Rungus— if I may be so bold— how have your PSL (paw sign language) skills developed during your time abroad? Did you assist your master in classroom this fall? Or, just sleep, eat, and fart?
A: though i am already fluent in all world languages, i certainly improved my use of tail flicking and whisker twitching in PSL these past few months. i'll admit, though, i'm a bit confused by the second half of your question. master? i have no such thing.

Q: MEOW MEOW MEOOOOWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW "miaww miawww" MOW MEW MOEW MEOW. -George
A: if you're going to leave hate mail in my inbox, you may as well use grammarly. what the fuck does this even say? get the hell off of my newsletter.

well, that just about does it. as usual, send in your burning questions at the anonymous question link in my signature. untail next time.

meow meow,
rungus

Issue 23

good meowning all,

welcome back to yet another issue of Rungus Weekly, the world's only news source to be sponsored by wolfgang amadeus mozart to promote his new hit release, don rungus. i am a cat of many trades, after all, and the arts are no exception. my honest review of the opera? good music, nice set...but, fatally, not enough rungus. on a scale from turkey & giblets wet food to tube treat, i give it three and a half kibbles.

speaking of the arts, i recently made my way down to the philadelphia museum of art to catch their surrealism exhibit. of course, surrealism is all about elevating the unconscious...artistic minds run wild with lust, erotica, and desire. it only makes sense, then, that the most popular surrealist motif was my famous witching hour. i felt as though i were looking into a mirror when i saw this masterpiece:

finally, i've received countless inquiries as to how a rungus such as myself lets loose every weekend. it's true that my once abundant time for self-care has been stymied by my virtuous yet time-intensive 20X35 plan (to zero sleep in nppr 102 by the year 2035). but surely, one may imagine that a being as worldly and responsible as i must hold the secrets to only the most divine recreational beverages. well, one would be absolutely correct. thus, i invite you all to enjoy a delectable reinstallment of my top-rated segment: COOKING WITH RUNGUS.

today on COOKING WITH RUNGUS, we experience culinary perfection as i share my top three cocktail recipes with the world.

Whisker Sour
a simple yet elegant balance of sweet, sour, and stinky.

1. combine lukewarm bowl water, wet food, and greenies crumbles.

2. shake vigorously ;)

3. pour into a rungus-sized glass.

4. garnish with a shedded whisker and enjoy.

Meow Teow
transport yourself to the rungus coast with this tropical classic.

1. combine one can of fancy feast mahi-mahi and coconut oil into a blender.

2. liquify and pour.

3. run to the litter box before it reaches the other end. 

The Rungarita
my signature drink: you can't call yourself a fan until you've tried it.

1. coat the rim of a glass with pretty litter.

2. combine equal parts tequila and tube treat.

3. let the witching begin.

well, that's all i've got for you this week, rungus army. stay warm, stay cozy, but most importantly: stay rungus.

meow,
rungus

Issue 24

good meowning america,

welcome back to Rungus Weekly, the world's only news source managed by a multi-billion dollar megacorporation. some of my more loyal fans may recall tales of my roasting, toasting, and occasional broiling against the radiator in worth hall last winter. well, this winter, i've taken up a new strategy: burrowing. that's right, folx: rungus now defrosts underneath the nice warm blanket, just like you mortal humans. need a tutorial? please, observe:

without live squirrels and birds to surveil, i've shifted my predatory focus to the more obvious winter target: mice. dangerous creatures, those mice. they're sneaking into your house. they're stealing your jobs. one day, you may walk in and find them in bed with your wife. no one is safe---but thankfully, YOU can be.

thanks to my latest entrepreneurial ploy, i am unveiling my genius 20X35 strategic plan (to zero mice on campus by the year 2035), available to any and all in need of mouse control. just the other day, i performed my first extermination gig in a Rungus Team Member's dormitory. unfortunately, in a shocking act of anti-rungus slander, rumors of this mouse escaping my grasp have been circulating faster than my team can manage. i want to be the bigger cat here and address these claims head-on: i am MUCH larger, in brain and in stature, than the mouse, and i am NOT scared of it. this pic of me on the job says it all:

to round out this issue, i invite you to indulge in a brief reinstallment of my most iconic segment: ASK RUNGUS.

Q: Rungus, do you ever think about your littermates?
A: i do, on occasion. we have a strange relationship, though, as they were born here on this mortal plane while i was delivered through divine intervention.

Q: Rungus, are you playing in the Swarthmore Orchestra this semester?
A: indeed i am. feel free to come cheer me on at the concert---when you hear the loud meow and voluptuous cat fart, you'll know it was me. and don't be alarmed by the smell that follows. i'm going for a multisensory experience.

Q: rungus give us a witching tutorial PLSSSS
A: alright, alright...the people asked, and i will deliver. this is a demonstration of witching at the most basic level, for instructional use only. again, tips are customary.

if you have any burning rungus questions, please submit them at my anonymous question form below. untail next week.

meowly,
rungus

Issue 25

dear rungus mewtropolitan community,

happy meowentine's day weekend, and welcome back to Rungus Weekly: the world's only news source to feature a valentine's day special. my millions, if not billions of loyal fans have been chomping at the kibble to get a taste of what creative genius lies behind a rungus meowentine. don't believe me? see for yourself, if you'll join me in a brief reboot of my most beloved segment, ASK RUNGUS:

Q: Rungus, will you be our valentine? Can we please get a Valentine’s themed newsletter or news, your fans want to know all about love in the Rungus world!
Q: How are you celebrating Valentine’s Day/long weekend
Q: You are wonder Rungus!!!

yes, it's true. i am a divine wonder rungus (call that wungus) filled with love and affection. in fact, in my most recent act of rungus philanthropy, i generously donated over two million shits to the compost: another decisive win for the rungus cause. have fun sorting through that, GAs.

speaking of love, let's talk about hate. i'm sure you've heard by now about swarthmore college declaring that so-called Tr*tter Hall (temporarily Old Science Hall) will be renamed in the coming months. to best honor the contributions of swarthmore's immediate community, val and the gang are seeking a new name that encapsulates the spirit of this great institution. well, it's my honor and great doody to inform the masses that a new name has already been selected. that's right, folx: say hello to our college's newest academic wonder, Rungus Hall.

of course, Rungus Hall will still be the proud home of the WC (witching center) and WAs (witching associates). i personally spearhead our WAM (witching associate mentors) program, as well as our SPA (screaming and pissing associate) subprogram. you can book a conference by emailing my team at rungusmeow@gmail.com---you're welcome.

finally, i close out this issue with a public service ameowncement. this weekend, my servitor visited Hell (my former home) to notorize my restraining order against george. devastatingly, my lesser-known arch nemesis dungus (dog rungus) insisted that she get behind the wheel. in what i can only imagine is another step forward in her nefarious 20X35 plan (to zero joey by the year 2035), dungus crashed the car into a snow bank: typical. the press rushed to the scene, of course, and the photos speak for themselves:

A Note from Rungus

good aftermewn,

i am interrupting your regularly scheduled Rungus Weekly to say that during these trying times, i am here for you. i have the privilege of being a cat with approximately two brain cells. this election means literally nothing to me.

as such, if you need support over the next week, joey keeps me locked in Worth L204 24/7. i have pawffice meowers by appointment if you would like to pet me, hug me, throw my jingly leaf around for me, feed me a tube treat, or even just sit and watch me walk around majestically. i assure you it will be a treat no matter what.

stay strong folks, and remember: nothing matters, and i am a cat.

meow,

rungus

International Rungus Day

meowllo all,

today, i briefly awake from my digital slumber to alert my dedicated fans of an important holiday: International Rungus Day (April 22nd). this monumental day marks the anniversary of the greatest day in the world: the day rungus came into existence. that’s right, folx: today is rungus birthday. how old am i, you ask? how dare you ask a woman her age. instead, enjoy photos from my birthday afternoon walk:

yes, yes, you can clap. what’s better, though, would be to send me a much-deserved birthday gift. perhaps a tube treat, a fancy feast gem (the regular kind won’t cut it), maybe even some cold hard cash. whatever it is, just know that i do value my interpersonal relationships based solely on the monetary resale value of their donations to the rungus cause.

may you all celebrate this incredible occasion both lavishly and rungusly.

until next meow,
rungus

BREAKING MY SILENCE

dear larger rungus community,

i am pleased to announce that i, rungus, am in fact alive and back on swarthmore's campus, surveilling the local wildlife more relentlessly than ever before. with my new nppr window, i am truly on display to anyone who chooses to pass by: you're welcome.

while i never apologize for anything, i feel an explanation may be in order to explain my several month absence from my newsletters. honesty is important to me, so i will just bite the spray bottle here and give it to you straight: mommy rungus was abroad in the great country of spain this summer.

yes, it's true--i am a cat of many trades, including international diplomacy. i spent weeks toiling away on a berry farm in basque country in another grand exercise of rungus philanthropy. i woke up with the sun every day to pick berries...some days, i just couldn't stop yawning, but knowing how many berries i would get to puke up later made it all worth it.

once my farm service was finished, i traveled south for some sightseeing. amazingly, i stumbled upon a grand rungus temple: i was pleased to see that rungus worship extends well across the atlantic. they're calling this beauty the Catedral de la Rungus, and i offered it my official stamp of approval.

finally, you can't visit spain without scoping out the local grub. after all, rungus gotta eat. naturally, i decided to visit the aquarium for some fresh fish. i figured spanish fish might be lighter on my ass problems. unfortunately, in an act of anti-rungus hate, the barcelona aquarium had already entered phase one of their 20X35 plan (to zero fish in rungus tummy by the year 2035), so i could only longingly gaze at the fish from the bottom of the tank and pray that one might swim into my mouth.